MY HOME! MY CAREER!!! – Episode 23

                             AZEEZAH

Every seconds ticking, every minutes counting, growing to hours, then days. The silence between us becoming stronger that I have to wonder; is this the same man I got married to few years back? Verily, a disastrous marriage is a life sentence! But it’s painful, spreading like a chronic cancer through my heart and sometimes I feel like the little heart is ripping apart. I love my job, yes I do! I love to earn, of course yes I do! But I love my family too. I’ve always tried my best to make them my priority. What else does he want me to do? He quit helping me in everything and I’ve taken it all to myself – I wake up around 4 every morning to start preparing breakfast and my kids’ bath. Then after fajr I prepare for work and still drive them to school before facing the hectic official work. Still I rush home to make dinner, even when Opeyemi was around, I still make sure I made the dinner by myself. All because of him! I couldn’t even leave my bedroom for the girl to do for me – all the advice I got from my mother. Still, my home is crumbling while I’m watching.
“Not all dear daughter. You didn’t follow all my advice.” Says Ummy.
Sobbing uncontrollably, I manage to say. “But I tried. If everyone keeps blaming me and no one praises me, I’ll praise myself. I tried!”
“You tried dear but not enough. I might be bad at being a wife but the little years of my experience worths more than 50 years of another woman’s. I told you then that no matter what happens in your marriage, never leave making love with your husband out. All these didn’t abruptly happen in a day. With other factors, it has compiled. God could have made us have babies in other ways beside copulation but He has put copulation between us as an act of replenishing whatever we have for each other especially when there’s no hard feelings. That was my success secret with Asiya’s father then. He would clash with his friends or workers, come home angrily and lashed out at me. Still I’ll pretend not to be hurt and made sure he made love with me. After which he would apologize and started narrating how things had gone wrong for him during the day, then finally soothed my own pain. Even years after I made my choice and left him because of you and your siblings, he still begged me to come back. When he realized no woman could withstand him as I did. Among husbands and wives, one has to be cool headed and tolerant whenever the other is burning and flaming. It doesn’t make the former a fool or the later a champion but rather an empathic considerer who, no matter what, doesn’t want the union to fail. Marriage isn’t always a bed of roses… You’ve tried Azeezah, I know but your trials aren’t enough. You’ve let a lot of things crept into and widened the crevice which you supposed to have mended on time before it becomes an hollow. No point crying over a spilled milk, let’s find a way to get you cleaned.”
“I think this is just one of the dreary situations in a marital life which no word can mend.” Sobs hanging in my voice as I talk. “What if I divorce, ummy? Won’t I be free from these heartaches?”
“Absolutely yes! But mind you, in no time, you will develop another heartache. What’s currently happening hasn’t called for divorce, my dear. Where have you buried your endurance? If I ever had a better choice to marry again without putting any of my children in jeopardy, I will my dear. Do you think it’s an easy challenge for a woman who has been enjoying her life in the company of a man to suddenly lose the masculine warmth? Many women who choose divorce as an escapade to liberation and yet, long for the masculine company. What a hypocrisy! They prefer to satisfy their longings by committing adulteries, pay men to make love with them to respecting nature by submitting to their husbands!  And the like of us that do not want to commit adultery, we pretend to be workaholic so as to fill the time and channel our thoughts…” She sighs, “people see us as strong women not knowing we live in pain every day! Including bodily and emotional pain. God knows how many times my doctor has told me to find a man! And God knows how many men knock on my door every day, mostly to commit adultery with them. Simply because they know I have no man in my life. If we can live without each other successfully, God wouldn’t have necessitate marriage for procreation. That’s His plan for us. However, if you’re planning to divorce and marry another man. It’s a good idea. At least you won’t be committing sins. But what if he turns out to be worse than Mikhail? You’ll also divorce him and pick another one? Then you’ll also give birth to five children for four different husbands. Then it becomes hereditary! Think of your children Azeezah. You weren’t a kid when I subsequently married three more men. You’re in the best position to explain what it felt like. I’m sure you’ll never want your children to pass through the same phase of life… All in all my dear daughter, Allah’s aid should be sought! You know what to do whenever you need something from your Lord. Where is that girl that would cry day and night unto her praying mat to seek her Lord’s audience? Just as how He has answered you by bringing Mikhail to you. Mikhail was an answered prayer, remember? I’m sure Allah won’t have burdened you with something greater than you. This is just one of the trial times so exercise patient. Mikhail wasn’t such a man. I still find it difficult to believe he’s doing this to you. But I won’t give you more than these pieces of advice. The decision is for you to make not for me. Because it is your life to live. I’m not interfering in your marriage. My bad luck in marriage can be contagious. Just remember that we, your family will always stand by you in any decision you make. So stop crying and make yourself strong again, okay?
“Um…mmy! I’ve really missed you.” I weep like a baby.
She snorts, “only when you’re finding life difficult you do remember me. I can still remember the last time you called me was only once, after your visit when I had an accident. But I’ve known it to be who you are. You aren’t just good at asking about your loved ones even though you hold them dear. And I never complain, neither will it ever get me infuriated. Mind you, not everyone will have such an understanding of you. To those that don’t, you need to try harder and amend, then make it up to them. Okay?”
“I understand. I’m now realizing that in some ways, I’m also at fault.”
“Stop crying. What if your children open the door and find you in this state? Even if you want to cry, go and cry unto your husband. By God’s willing, It might touch his soft spot…” She yawns, “It has been a long tiring day Azeezah, I need to sleep.”
Sniffling, I wipe my face and nose with my hand, not minding how irritating it seems. Then I bid her good night. Hearing from ummy tonight makes me feel placated. So I seek assuagement in the softness of my empty bed – the humidity seems very high, we’ve already rolled into the raining season – I draw near my pillow and hold it to my chest. Trying to close my eyes, some soft knocks sound upon the door.
“Enter.” I sofly reply.
I’ve thought it would be one of my children but both of them enter, saying tasleem.
“Wa’lykum salam warahmatullah wabarakaatuhu. What happened? I thought you’ve slept.”
Sleep still in her eyes, Nusaybah mutters. “It’s Khalid that woke me up.”
“I’m sorry ummy. I think we should sleep with you since you aren’t feeling fine.”
“I’m fine Khalid. I’m not sick but thanks for your concern… Get in the bed. After all, I can’t turn away your kind gesture.”
They get in the bed with me, each sleeping by my side. I cover them with my blanket and Nusaybah is already down for the count. Closing my eyes to catch some sleep, I feel Khalid’s stare tickling my face.
“Close your eyes and sleep bunayyah. Don’t let your father catch you starring at his wife like that.” I say, my eyes still closed.
He giggles, “but dad isn’t here. He is sleeping soundly in the sitting room.”
I heave a sigh. The sitting room, his current bedroom! I wonder if he will ever come around.
“Mum?”
I open my eyes, “son!”
“You aren’t mad at me for not improving in my studies at school, right?”
After some silence without getting a response from me, he continues, “by Allah, I’ve stopped riding my bicycle since that day. I’ll make sure I try much better next term so I can get my bicycle back.”
“But you’ve improved in your madrasah and I’m not mad at you son. You know what? In this life, everyone can never be the best in a particular thing or way. Although we have to strive to be the best so that we will at least, be above average. You aren’t among the best first three in your class but your teacher confessed to me that you are the smartest and the best of character among her pupils. Hearing that alone, I was contented. What you only need to do is not to ever stop striving. As you grow up, different challenges will come your way and only the strivers will find them easy to conquer… You can keep riding your bicycle. I won’t deprive you of childhood pleasure. Just make sure you keep your promises and make me proud.”
He grins, showing his lost teeth. I smile at him while my eyelashes start kissing each other, taking me to slumber. He calls again.
“What again bunayyah?”
“You said you aren’t sick ummy but your eyes look puffy.”
“It’s because I’m sad. So I’ve been crying.” I manage to reply.
“Why are you sad? Did Abby beat you? Have you lost your job? Do you need something from Allah?”
Submitting to his curiosity, I squintingly open my eyes again. “Your father respect women so he can’t beat one. I was just feeling some pains in my heart so I let them out by crying and…let me say I need something from Allah. So whenever you’re praying, include your father and I. Ask Allah to strengthen the love between us against all odds of life.”
He nods, “I’ll make sure I do that… Are we starting holiday coaching tomorrow? Will…”
Not hearing anymore of what he’s saying, I fall into a deep sleep.

The Monday morning arrives and as usual, I start running helter skelter in the house to prepare the kids for the holiday coaching, myself for work and get other things done. My husband has left very earlier after eating bread with a cup of tea he made for himself. He doesn’t even bother about my food anymore, it makes my heart sinks.
Passing by Habeeb’s room, I remember what Opeyemi confessed to me yesterday. I just can’t comprehend why my husband has sent Opeyemi away but let him remain here. When I also have a little girl! It still torments me that I left my kids with him alone for days. While the thought of seeing him around them ever again gets me precarious and infuriated.
Where my kids will stay after the lesson gets solved when I meet Khalid’s teacher. She’s very eager to render me help by taking them to her home after the coaching hours. I’ve seen her goodness in her children so I’m sure of entrusting my children to her. Although Khalid insists I pay for the school bus to drop them home – he has been like that lately, thinking he can take care of himself and his little sister – I surmount by telling him they are still small and need adult supervision. Then I leave for work
The glare of the laptop’s screen dimming my eyes, I start feeling dizzy again. I save my work and close the laptop to strain my eyes muscles. Then enters Lateepha without knocking.
“I pray your children won’t inherit this unethical character of yours. Cos I don’t know what’s wrong in making a few knocks and wait for permission to be granted before you enter.”
“Don’t worry yourself ma’am. I’ve seen no man proposing to have a kid with me. I’ve been very unlucky! Unlike someone I know who luck follows around all day.”
Getting her insinuation, I enquire. “And who is that person you know?”
“She’s is here now, sitting before me!” She adjust, “don’t think I don’t know what’s going on in this company, between you and my boss. For some times after your arrival from abroad, he grew closer to you that I almost started smelling a rat. An now, he is distant. Just yesterday night, he got drunk at the club and confessed to me. I mean everything! You remember the airport’s incidence? He told me he messaged me when he realized there might be no one to pick you up!”
Astonished, “really?”
“Yeah! It shows he cares for you. However, I was heartbroken when he said to my face blankly that he knew I was seducing him but, he doesn’t like me. He even said he can never do anything with me, not to talk of marrying me…” She changes her tone to a drunken one, “it’s Azeezah I want!”
As the statement bangs in my hear, I rest my forehead on my palms, “hope he didn’t tell you he proposed to me?”
“He did! He spilled every bean Azeezah! I wish you could see that sympathetic look on his face last night. We sat in his car for hours while he did all the talkings, before I helped him in. And to my surprise, all he said about his wife seemed to be true because she didn’t even lift a finger when we stepped in. He said the woman is going for a two years course abroad and she suggested they should separate because she isn’t sure if she will come back home afterwards. How can a woman be that callous? There is definitely no strand of feelings existing between them anymore.”
Shaking my head, “I pity the man.”
Placing her hand on her chest, she says. “I do too. He said he likes you for your zeal. As you always try to keep the balance between your home and your career. Only if he could marry such a woman, he has said, he’s ready to give her everything she wants including support in every aspect. Then I asked, what about me? Can’t I do more than Azeezah for you?” She covers her face in shame, “I wish I didn’t ask that. He almost called me whore! I felt ashamed and heartbroken. But inside me, I know all he has said are true. I can never be compared to you. You’ve been this woman whose life always appears perfect. Maybe it’s because you’re religious and God is always by your side.”
Despondency written all over her demeanor, I incline forward and take hold the hand she has placed on the table between us. “It’s only what you make yourself think. I can’t also be compared to you because everyone has her area of greatness. It’s his loss if he couldn’t see you for you. Who told him you can’t be religious more than I am? Who told him you can’t be a better wife than I am? In fact I’m the worst wife on earth!” Withdrawing my hand, “I don’t have a perfect life Lateefah, nobody does. My husband is distancing himself from me day by day. My marriage seems to be on the verge of crumbling.”
“Hope you aren’t saying this just to make me feel better?”
I lean back on my chair, “have I ever joked about my home with you before? I’m telling you no one is perfect!”
“Oh I’m sorry! I had no idea and I was blabbering.” She empathizes
“You don’t have to feel worse. It hasn’t crumbled though.”
“You see! That’s why I said you’re always lucky. Instead of waiting till it scattered, you can simply take our boss’s offer…”
I cut her short, “thank you very much Lateefah. I’m not marrying a man who thinks his life sorrow will be washed away by getting drunk. And I don’t think you deserve such either. There are many Muslim men out there who will be willing to give a heap of gold in seeking your hand in marriage, only if you can improve yourself in deen…” I raise my thumb and forefinger, almost closing them on each other, “a bit like this.”
“You’re always full of yourself.” She stands to leave, handing me a document. “Anyway, you’re asked to add this to the account for this month… See you later.”
I watch her leaving, praying she finds her way someday.
Hastening my work as I think of my children. I hope none of them complain about staying with their teacher. Else, I will have to go through another series of thinking about where!
Finally, It’s time! I drive out of the company’s compound in an hurrying curve, hoping to reach my children on time. Then I sight him walking by the road side. Oh Azeezah! Can’t you just ignore him and be on your way? Your children would have been anxiously expecting you! But I ignore the thoughts instead of him and park my car beside him, horning.
“Needs a lift to the junction sir?” I ask.
He smiles and gets in beside me.
After much silence he talks, “you still remember Sharon?”
I nod.
“She told me just yesterday that your idea was bought and they’ve been ordered to conduct trial runs and test markets. Some of the products will be sent to Nigeria and other countries for that too. If everything goes well, the company will reward you.”
“I hope so.”
He continues, “and I’m sorry for what I said the other day. I realized I was just being selfish. You know sometimes, circumstances push someone to do things out of one’s self. I’m very sorry.”
My eyes on the road, I bluntly reply. “Apology accepted.”
The silence continues and he breaks it again. “I know that to you, I’ve been a foolish man. Which is why you’ve chosen not to talk to me anymore.”
“No, I don’t. You’re the one that chose to distance yourself which I think is better.”
“Yes I distanced myself because I felt embarrassed.” He says soberly, “I can’t believe I wanted to build my own happiness by ruining another’s. Maybe because I thought I can do better than him if I’m given the opportunity. It’s manifested in you that you’re having problem with him. It’s glaring, even right now. I know your husband has been hurting you in some ways. And it gives me a lot of concerns that those who have pearls growing at their backyard know not its values. I only wanted to make use of the opportunity to snatch you from him but you won’t budge.” He smiles, “and I like you more for that.”
I remain blunt, even though I want to smile.
“We are only in our down period. He’s my husband and I believe he’ll come around again.”
“I really pray he does.”
My phone starts ringing and I become surprised seeing my mother in-law as the caller. Without hesitating I insert my earpiece and say tasleem to her.
“Wahlykum salam. Azeezah, do you have to let my son pay for the misunderstanding happening between you and your husband? Is it a crime for your husband to marry a second wife? And you will be claiming to be sunnah people. Please my sons’ lives are in your hands now, do not kill any of them for me.”
Worried, I reply. “But ummy, what have I done this time?”
“Maybe you should google that! You’ll never know what you’ve done wrong. You left a grown up at home without leaving anything for him to eat. Can you do that to your own children?”
The dizziness starts affecting me again, I turn to the side of the road and park.
“Is that what Habeeb told you?” I try and talk.
“You dare call my son by his name alone? How dare you Azeezah! Did I give birth to him in your presence?”
“I’m sorry ummy. I’m not just getting myself right now…”
She continues to bicker. Since I have no strength in me to put up with the talks, I hang up. It’s surprising to have heard such accusation because I left some pieces of yam with fish stew for him this morning and I’m sure there are other food he can cook for himself in the kitchen.
Every images starts running in my view, my dizziness grows tense. I rest my head on the starring wheel.
“I bet that was your mother-in-law! Why did she have to scold you like a little girl?” He comments when I almost forgot I have someone in the car with me.
“Maybe you should go on your way sir. My eyes are turning giddy, I don’t think I can drive right now.” I suggest, languidly.
“Common, you look like you want to die on me right now. Let me drive you to the hospital.”
“You shouldn’t. I just need a 10 minutes rest then I will be good to go home. My children are waiting for me.”
“Whenever you’re shown kindness, learn not to reject it.”
He gets down from the car and comes to my side, knocking on the screen. After much persuasion, I succumb and crawl to the other seat. Remembering my children, I ask him not to drive me straight home and direct him to where to pick them.
Anxiously, they’ve been waiting for me outside their teacher’s house. Sighting my car parked, they rush in the back seat while I thank the woman for being my saviour. Her kids wave to mine which means they enjoyed their stay. This makes me triumphant again.
After greeting my boss, curious Nusaybah begins her interrogation.
“Who are you sir?… Why are you driving my mummy’s car?”
“I’m your mummy’s boss… Because your mummy is sick and she can’t drive herself.”
Khalid moves closer to me, feeling my temperature with his hands. “But Ummy, you aren’t running temperature. Are you really sick?”
Nusaybah also moves closer to carry out her own test. “Your body is hot Ummy. Please do not fall sick so I can buy you somethiiiiiiiing big.”
Khalid tries to feel my temperature again to confirm if I’m really hot as Nusaybah has diagnosed.
“If you guys keep doing like this. I will become more sick. So it’s better you leave me alone and let me rest.”
“Let’s allow her to rest Nusaybah. Ummy, I learned how to cook indomie today with Jaafar, my teacher’s son. So, do not stress yourself, I’ll cook it for all of us when we get home in’sha’Allah.”
My boss giggles and I smile.
“Your children are cool Azeezah!” He remarks.
“Stop calling my mum by her name. Only my daddy has the right to do that. She is ummu Khalid or ummu Nusaybah. Ummu Khalid, say it!”
“You don’t talk to an elderly person like that girl. He’s older than I so he can call me by my name.”
“But my friend at school told me it isn’t right.” She retorts.
“It’s okay Nusaybah. From today on, I’ll start calling your mother ummu Nusaybah…”
Beneath my stomach, strangely, I begin to feel some intermittent cramping. So I become oblivious to their conversation while I ponder on what’s happening to me… Without realizing it, we are home and Khalid gets down to open the gate when I see the woman. The same woman who wants to be my husband’s second wife, pacing in front of my house. Sneering, my pain instantly transforms to fury. Immediately our eyes lock and she starts walking towards me. My body’s adrenaline starts deliberating on either to fight or flight. But I am choosing both!
“How can I help you?” I ask, gathering all energy left in me.
“I’m sure you still recognize me. I’ve been trying brother Mikhail’s number, it isn’t going so I decide to check if he’s at home.”
My hand on the winder, I reply. “My husband hasn’t returned. And please do not ever come here to look for him anymore. This is our matrimonial home not only his!”
I press down the button and the screen winds up before she could say another word. Mentally, I applaud myself. However within my mind, I think I’ve said too much.
He snorts as he drives in, “you just looked like a lion that was about to bounce on its prey. So jealousy is in your trait too. Oh I’m the one saying nonsense! I’ve forgotten jealousy is every woman’s first child.”
“And our first husband.” I add, feeling exhausted.
Getting down from the car, I try to walk but I find it difficult. He volunteers to help me in but I humbly decline. So I ask my children to check inside the house for Habeeb. Unexpectedly, my husband comes out. I’m very surprised to see him at home by this hour of the day. I thank my boss and ask him to start going home before it gets too dark but he leans against my car in the garage and waves at me as my husband and Khalid guide me in.
“What happened to you?” My husband finally asks.
“I don’t know. I just started feeling dizzy and the next thing, I’m feeling something heaving and cramping my stomach beneath.”
I remove my hijab, off my sandals and he lies me gently on the bed.
“Should we go to the hospital?”
“No, I think I now understand what’s happening.”
Nusaybah enters and says my boss is asking to see my husband. I ask him to go, that I will be fine. I will definitely be fine! I had thought it was the usual skip when I couldn’t see my menstruation for two consecutive months. But now, I’m very sure that I’m pregnant. But I’ve never felt like this before, the pain!
I rise from the bed to go to the bathroom. Mistakingly touching my lower back, I realize it’s wet so I turn to look at the bed where I was lying. Subhanallah! It’s soaked with blood. Quickly I raise my gown to check and the blood is already streaming down my legs. Attempting to take a step forward to call for help, suddenly, I feel every consciousness shutting out on me!
__________________________________________

NOTE OF THE CHAPTER: “Surely the men who submit and the women who submit, and the believing men and the believing women, and the obeying men and the obeying women, and the truthful men and the truthful women, and the patient men and the patient women and the humble men and the humble women, and the almsgiving men and the almsgiving women, and the fasting men and the fasting women, and the men who guard their private parts and the women who guard, and the men who remember Allah much and the women who remember– Allah has prepared for them forgiveness and a mighty reward.” (Qur’an 33 verse 35)
“Let him who has abundance spend out of his abundance and whoever has his means of subsistence straitened to him, let him spend out of that which Allah has given him; Allah does not lay on any soul a burden except to the extent to which He has granted it; Allah brings about ease after difficulty.” (Qur’an 65 verse 7)
Narrated by Anas: While the Prophet was in the house of one of his wives, one of the mothers of the believers sent a meal in a dish. The wife at whose house the Prophet was, struck the hand of the servant, causing the dish to fall and break. The Prophet gathered the broken pieces of the dish and then started collecting on them the food which had been in the dish and said, “Your mother (my wife) felt jealous.” Then he detained the servant till a (sound) dish was brought from the wife at whose house he was. He gave the sound dish to the wife whose dish had been broken and kept the broken one at the house where it had been broken. (Sahih Al Bukhari wa Muslim)