How Will I Cope? – Episode I

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KAFAYAT {Ummu Yasser}

“I’m taking in a second wife.”

These words have been scaling through my head since yesterday he has said that to me, I am still like dreaming!

“Is this what I deserve? After all my dedication! Ya Rabbi, is this a test from You? I hope he is joking” – I take a deep sigh after thorough thinking.

“Ya Allah! I don’t want this! My husband has been my treasure ever since I have married him, I always do everything in my power to please him. But why is he doing this to me Ya Allah!”

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Our marriage has been a blissful one, he is always what I have wanted as an Habeeby. I am always thankful to You for having him.  “But why does he suddenly want a second wife? Am I not good enough for him?” I continue sobbing while I rush to our bedroom. I stand by the mirror to take a look at my image, I take off my Niqab to see a clear image of myself. “Have I started growing old already?” This is just 5 years of my marriage! I am not even thirty yet. Just two kids I have for him. My face is still the same though I have gained some weight. I’m still like that time he met me, turning around my body while staring at the mirror. Maybe I’m not too good in bed, may be my cooking skill isn’t that great! May be… Subhanallah! I can’t just think of a reason. A river of tears stream  from my eyes!

I jump on the bed, draw near my pillow, holding it tight to my chest, I continue to sob. I cry a lot that my eyes become reddish.  The pillow I hold become so wet with my tears.

“What am I going to do? But this is Sunnah!” I console myself for the first time and trying to be a true muslim whose love for God can not take exemption – just like living a polygamous life.  If I accept this, I will have my reward and if I don’t, what would become of my marriage? Shall I seek a divorce? Subhanallah! Ya Allah, raising my eyes unto Him “I never want a divorce.” It is the only permissible action that Allah hates and I also hate it too. What about my kids? I cry aloud as those thoughts crawl into my mind.

I never want to become a bad mother, I have learnt a lot of lessons from my childhood friends whose Mums divorced their dads to marry other men. Most of them were sexually harassed by their stepfathers. They went through more than anyone can ever imagine – a problem that can never be shared!

“Tufiakwa, Olórun májèé! My precious kids will never go through such harrowing experience” I say aloud as I snap over my head, continue sobbing as saliva starts drooling from a side of my mouth as well as a stream of mucus starts running from my nose.

“Ya Allah! I don’t think I can cope, how will I?” I shout in a louder voice.

“Grrrrrhhhhh Grrrrrrrhhhh Grrrrrrhhh! Asalamu Alaykum Warahmatullah Wabarakaatuhu”

Quickly I rub off my tears with the pillow I am holding. That is the sound of our entrance alarm. “Who can that be?” Habeebby must have returned. I check my watch.

“So quick today?” I murmur to myself.

“Habeebby?” I ask while reaching for the door handle.

“Yes, Habeebaty” he answers

A strange smile suddenly appears on my face, despite all my crying since morning, I am still able to smile hearing his response; “Yes, Habeebaty”, rewinding the tone in my memory. Ever since I have gotten married to him, I always feel anew whenever he calls me Habeebaty. I still love him as I always do and I don’t think I can ever stop loving him. Smiling to myself, I refrain my hand from the door handle. I adjust my skirt and button up my shirt leaving the last two top buttons. I want to look attractive, smiling to myself, I repack my hair and tie it with a rubber band. Now, I open the door and I fall into his embrace,

“Asalamu Alaykum”, he greets with a smile.

“Wa Alyakum Salam Warahmatullah Wabarakaatuhu” I reply staring into his eyes. He kisses me on the forehead and I am so pleased and happy. He hands over his bag to me as he unknots his neck tie.

“It has been a tiring day”, he murmurs.

I quickly fetch him a glass of cold water as we are in the dry season; it is all sunny day. Returning to the sitting room where he sits exhausted, I offer him the cold water, he grasps it as if he has been expecting it. He glares at me as I try to hide my mood with my smile.  It is difficult to fake it, he surely knows that I have been crying all day.

After drinking the whole glass of water, he takes a deep breath, closes and opens his eyes simultaneously, I guess he is thinking of what to say but I do not feel like I want to hear. I have been crying since morning and this is the only happy moment of today, I don’t want it to get spoilt again…

“Habeebaty, move closer to me” he orders and I obey as he retreats to the floor and I sit in between his legs.

“Why are you crying all day, Habeebaty?” He asks

Hearing those words triggers my tears’ dam to start flowing like a stream. I feel this pain in me that can never be explained.

“I..I have not been crying Habeeeeby” I manage to reply as the dam of my tears bursts, over flowing steadily.  I start weeping, even loudly.

My husband pauses for a moment, searching for words to say, I suppose…

“Olubukola, it has been five years that  we’ve been married and I know you very well, your eyes are swollen and you still tell me you weren’t crying and now right in front of me you start another round, is it because of…”

I cut in “don’t say it, Habeeeeby! I don’t want to remember it, Habeeeby! please, don’t remind me habeeeby…” I continue to weep as I rest my head on his broad chest. His big broad chest – yes, that has always been my place of comfort.

As he pats me on the back continuously I know he is so confused. What will he say next, I don’t even know, I don’t even want to hear it, I don’t even want to hear any more of it for today.

Feeling exhausted, I can not say what exactly he might be thinking, perhaps, he will quit the whole idea of marrying another wife, I do not know.  At least I can say that I have                                                                                                      express myself clearly enough.  I leave everything in the hands of my creator, He knows what is best for me. I remain in this position with him for quite a long time as I sleep off dreaming of my future – How Will I Cope?

Notice please: This story has been published and it’s available in Nigeria and Ghana. Contact the author for your copy(ies)

About Post Author

Ummu Abdillah

Jayeoba Kafayat Modupeoluwa, mostly known as Ummu Abdillah is a Technologist in Electronics and Telecommunication engineering but presently only active as an Islamic writer - so do not bother to ask her about diodes and electromagnetic waves 🤗. Happily married and recently gifted a princess. She is a lover of teenagers and marriage and does make it her occupation to study them. Also, she's a knowledge seeker who loves to learn new things every second and teaches them as well to whoever cares to learn.
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